Europe against GMO crops! Please, sign the Avaaz petition!
I already did. It's us who decide, not Monsanto!!!

I didn't post this when it came out, because it would ruin the Xmas message, but unfortunately that was part of the Christmas too. I'm not going to get political, because its useless.
I just hope that could serve us as reminder that human beings can be infinitely good, but infinitely evil also. Maybe one day, we would never have to read sad Christmas stories, but for now, I'm very upset one rose had to go in such ugly way. Miss Bhutto was my hope for peace and compassion in the Middle East, for female energy in that male society, but unfortunately that hope was killed. They claim it was Al Khaida. It doesn't matter. She's dead. I hope this death will lead to life eventually and that people will finally understand death might not be the worst option, but for certain it's the dullest one. Funny thing, martyrs always gave stronger kicks to history than those who die naturally.
Rest in Peace, Benazir Bhutto! And I hope your son is a good person and will be a good leader.


Benazir Bhutto assassination
Benazir Bhutto assassination

By SADAQAT JAN and ZARAR KHAN, Associated Press Writers Thu Dec 27, 5:17 PM ET

RAWALPINDI, Pakistan - Pakistan opposition leader Benazir Bhutto was assassinated Thursday by an attacker who shot her after a campaign rally and then blew himself up. Her death stoked new chaos across the nuclear-armed nation, an important U.S. ally in the war on terrorism.

At least 20 others were killed in the attack on the rally for Jan. 8 parliamentary elections where the 54-year-old former prime minister had just spoken.

At least nine people were killed across the country in rioting that broke out in the aftermath of the assassination. In the southern port city of Karachi, where she was born, angry Bhutto supporters shot at police and burned a gas station.

At the hospital where Bhutto died, some supporters smashed glass and wailed, chanting slogans against President Pervez Musharraf, whom they blamed for not ensuring her safety. Musharraf blamed Islamic extremists for her death and said he would redouble his efforts to fight them.

"This is the work of those terrorists with whom we are engaged in war," he said in a nationally televised speech. "I have been saying that the nation faces the greatest threats from these terrorists. ... We will not rest until we eliminate these terrorists and root them out."

In the U.S., a tense looking President Bush strongly condemned the attack "by murderous extremists who are trying to undermine Pakistan's democracy." White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said Bush spoke briefly by phone with Musharraf.

Musharraf convened an emergency meeting with his senior staff, where they were expected to discuss whether to postpone the elections, an official at the Interior Ministry said, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the talks.

The government announced three days of mourning for Bhutto, including the closing of schools, commercial centers and banks.

Nawaz Sharif, another former prime minister and leader of a rival opposition party, demanded Musharraf resign immediately and announced his party would boycott the upcoming election.

The attacker struck just minutes after Bhutto addressed thousands of supporters in the Rawalpindi, a city 8 miles south of Islamabad where the army is headquartered. She was shot in the neck and chest by the attacker, who then blew himself up, said Rehman Malik, Bhutto's security adviser.

Sardar Qamar Hayyat, a leader from Bhutto's party, said at the time of the attack he was standing about 10 yards away from her vehicle — a white, bulletproof SUV with a sunroof.

"She was inside the vehicle and was coming out from the gate after addressing the rally when some of the youths started chanting slogans in her favor. Then I saw a smiling Bhutto emerging from the vehicle's roof and responding to their slogans," he said.

"Then I saw a thin, young man jumping toward her vehicle from the back and opening fire. Moments later, I saw her speeding vehicle going away," he added.

Mangled bodies lay in a pool of blood and pieces of clothing and shoes were scattered on the road. The clothing of some victims was shredded and people covered their bodies with party flags.

Bhutto was rushed to the hospital and taken into emergency surgery. She died about an hour after the attack.

Hours later, her body was carried out of the hospital in a plain wooden coffin by a crowd of supporters. Her body was expected to be transferred to an air base and brought to her hometown of Larkana.

A doctor on the team that treated her said she had a bullet in the back of the neck that damaged her spinal cord before exiting from the side of her head. Another bullet pierced the back of her shoulder and came out through her chest.

She was given open heart massage, but the main cause of death was damage to her spinal cord, he said on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media.

"At 6:16 p.m., she expired," said Wasif Ali Khan, a member of Bhutto's party who was at Rawalpindi General Hospital.

"The surgeons confirmed that she has been martyred," Bhutto's lawyer Babar Awan said.

Bhutto's supporters at the hospital exploded in anger, smashing the glass door at the main entrance of the emergency unit. Others burst into tears. One man with a flag of Bhutto's Pakistan People's Party tied around his head was beating his chest.

"I saw her with my own eyes sitting in a vehicle after addressing the rally. Then, I heard an explosion," Tahir Mahmood, 55, said sobbing. "I am in shock. I cannot believe that she is dead."

Many chanted slogans against Musharraf, accusing him of complicity in her killing.

"We repeatedly informed the government to provide her proper security and appropriate equipment including jammers, but they paid no heed to our requests," said Malik, the security adviser.

As news of her death spread, angry supporters took to the streets.

In Karachi, shop owners quickly closed their businesses as protesters set tires on fire on the roads, torched several vehicles and burned a gas station, said Fayyaz Leghri, a local police official. Gunmen shot and wounded two police officers, he said.

One man was killed in a shootout between police and protesters in Tando Allahyar, a town 120 miles north of Karachi, said Mayor Kanwar Naveed. In the town of Tando Jam, protesters forced passengers to get out of a train and then set it on fire.

Two people were killed in the southern Sindh province and two others in Lahore, police said.

Violence also broke out in Lahore, Multan, Peshawar and many other parts of Pakistan, where Bhutto's supporters burned banks, state-run grocery stores and private shops. Some set fire to election offices for the ruling party, according to Pakistani media.

Akhtar Zamin, home minister for the southern Sindh province, said authorities would deploy troops to stop violence if needed.

Musharraf urged calm.

"I want to appeal to the nation to remain peaceful and exercise restraint," he said.

Rep. Patrick Kennedy, a Democrat from Rhode Island, was in Pakistan and on his way to have dinner with Bhutto Thursday night when he learned of her killing.

"You could really feel the tragedy of this loss because Bhutto really represented hope here for so many people," he said, adding that turmoil was engulfing much of the country.

"Her death really dashed the hope of many here in Pakistan and that's why there's so much disillusionment and anger being vented through these protests that are lighting up the sky tonight as people set fires all over the countryside," Kennedy told the AP in a telephone interview.

Sharif arrived at the hospital and sat silently next to Bhutto's body.

"Benazir Bhutto was also my sister, and I will be with you to take the revenge for her death," he said. "Don't feel alone. I am with you. We will take the revenge on the rulers."

He rebutted suggestions that he could gain political capital from her demise, announcing his Muslim League-N party would boycott the elections and demanding that Musharraf resign.

"The holding of fair and free elections is not possible in the presence of Pervez Musharraf," he said. "Musharraf is the cause of all the problems. The federation of Pakistan cannot remain intact in the presence of President Musharraf," he told a news conference.

"After the killing of Benazir Bhutto, I announce that the Pakistan Muslim League-N will boycott the elections," Sharif said. "I demand that Musharraf should quit immediately."

Hours earlier, four people were killed at a rally for Sharif when his supporters clashed with backers of Musharraf near Rawalpindi.

Bhutto's death will leave a void at the top of her party, the largest political group in the country, as it heads into the elections.

Pakistan is considered a vital U.S. ally in the fight against al-Qaida and other Islamic extremists including the Taliban. Osama bin Laden and his inner circle are believed to be hiding in lawless northwest Pakistan along the border with Afghanistan.

The U.S. has invested significant diplomatic capital in promoting reconciliation between Musharraf and the opposition, particularly Bhutto, who was seen as having a wide base of support in Pakistan. Her party had been widely expected to do well in next month's elections.

Had the PPP either won a majority of seats or enough to put together a majority coalition, Bhutto could have recaptured the job of prime minister.

Bush, speaking briefly to reporters at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, demanded that those responsible for the killing be brought to justice.

"The United States strongly condemns this cowardly act by murderous extremists who are trying to undermine Pakistan's democracy," said Bush, who looked tense and took no questions.

The assassination and concerns of further international instability were cited as one reason for a fall in U.S. stock prices and a rise in oil prices Thursday. In afternoon trade, the Dow Jones Industrial Average of blue chip stocks was down more than 140 points or more than 1 percent.

The U.N. Security Council also condemned the assassination.

Pakistan was just emerging from another crisis after Musharraf declared a state of emergency on Nov. 3, and used sweeping powers to round up thousands of his opponents and fire Supreme Court justices. He ended emergency rule Dec. 15 and subsequently relinquished his role as army chief, a key opposition demand. Bhutto had been an outspoken critic of Musharraf's imposition of emergency rule.

Educated at Harvard and Oxford universities, Bhutto served twice as Pakistan's prime minister between 1988 and 1996.

Her father was Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, scion of a wealthy landowning family in southern Pakistan and founder of the populist Pakistan People's Party. The elder Bhutto was president and then prime minister of Pakistan before his ouster in a 1977 military coup. Two years later, he was executed by the government of Gen. Zia-ul Haq after being convicted of engineering the murder of a political opponent.

Bhutto had returned to Pakistan from an eight-year exile on Oct. 18. On the same day, she narrowly escaped injury when her homecoming parade in Karachi was targeted in a suicide attack that killed more than 140 people.

Islamic militants linked to al-Qaida and the Taliban hated Bhutto for her close ties to the Americans and support for the war on terrorism. A local Taliban leader reportedly threatened to greet Bhutto's return to the country with suicide bombings.

Hundreds of riot police had manned security checkpoints around the rally venue Thursday, Bhutto's first public meeting in Rawalpindi since she came back to the country.

In recent weeks, suicide bombers have repeatedly targeted security forces in Rawalpindi.

In November, Bhutto had also planned a rally in the city, but Musharraf forced her to cancel it, citing security fears.

source

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Merry Christmas (Yule, Hanuka, Kurban Bayrami or whatever you happen to celebrate) and Happy New Year!

I wish you lots of love, health and wonderful experiences.

Hope you all have great holidays with your loved ones!

May we all enjoy the peace and joy of those lovely days and recharge with them for the rest of the year.

Love,
Denitsa


To see the original greeting card, click here.

And the Cristmas miracle:

Surviving girl evacuated in Panama crash

Wed Dec 26, 6:55 PM ET

The sole survivor of a plane crash was reunited with her family Wednesday after rescue workers trekked for five hours to carry the 12-year-old American girl out of a remote mountain area, then airlifted her to a hospital.

Francesca Lewis, wearing a neck brace and with one arm bandaged, met with her parents at a hospital in the town of David, capital of Chiriqui province.

Michael Klein, a prominent California businessman, and his 13-year-old daughter Talia — a friend of Francesca — were killed in Sunday's crash near the jungle-flanked slopes of the Baru volcano, 270 miles west of the capital, Panama City. The Panamanian pilot Edwin Lasso, 23, was also killed.

Francesca was in stable condition at a private hospital with hypothermia, contusions and muscle injuries, and does not remember much about the crash, said Samuel Catta, the doctor treating her.

"She lost consciousness, and she only remembers (the plane) falling into a cloud, and then she saw trees," said Catta, who is treating the girl.

Catta said the girl will probably remain hospitalized for at least a week.

A preliminary investigation showed the Cessna 172 struck a tree and split in two, said National Civil Protection Director Roberto Velasquez.

"It is miraculous that the girl could survive that impact," he said.

Rescuers spent two days combing the mountainous area before finding Francesca and the bodies of the three others Tuesday. But cold, wet weather prevented her immediate evacuation, and she was initially treated in a makeshift shelter.

Michael Klein, 37, was the chief executive officer of Pacificor LLC, a Santa Barbara-based company that manages several hedge funds. He founded two companies in the 1990s before becoming president and CEO of eGroups Inc., which was the world's largest group e-mail communication service. Yahoo Inc. purchased eGroups for $450 million in August 2000 and it is now known as Yahoo Groups.

Michael Klein was on vacation with the two girls at an eco-resort he owns in the Central American nation, according to Kim Klein, his ex-wife and Talia's mother. The three had been scheduled to return to Santa Barbara on Monday, she told the AP from Boquete, Panama, an area close to David, on Tuesday.

source

Have you ever...

Have you ever been on crossroad that you wouldn't like to cross?
Have you ever seen a face that you would like to keep forever
And this very face, to look at you and say the words in frost
That melts away your mind and turns it into freezing tears

But those tears, they were never meant to heal or help
They wouldn't wash away the pain and leave you sober
Those tears, they always come and go in vain
A feast of your self-pity and annoying self-ignorance.

They say the love should be plain and easy
That the truth is better, because it's simpler
But no love could last in fights and egoism
No truth could live in the land of unforgiving.


Have you ever felt so helpless when there is so much to do
When you know what and how, but the why is flowing
Have you ever loved and couldn't move because it hurts
It hurts to know, where this love is going.

And the hope, the hope is always there
Alive, fresh and always tempting
And the hope is even worst ally than fear
Because of hope you'd never stop denying.

Love...Love...Love...
Everything for you. Everything but you. Simply nonsense.
And in the middle of that nonsense is me wanting you, loving you, hurting me not to hurt YOU.
Love. Am I fighting for you or fighting against you? Eh.

The biggest enemy of love

What's the biggest enemy of love? Death you might say. Or betrayal. Or the lack of communication...Yeah, you might be right. But...
I was thinking-is it all? Is it enough to love someone, to be faithful and understanding, to ensure your future together...I don't think so.

I think the biggest enemy of love is FEAR. The fear you might loose him for one or another reason. The fear that he's not the last person you'll ever love. Or that he is and he's not going to be there for you, because you won't last. The fear that every word is a sword that stab your or his heart. The horror that every day may be the last-and tomorrow, all this great love will be gone.

Let's face it, jealousy is not a virtue, we're not jealous because we have to show our love. We're jealous, because we want to possess, we want to carve into stone our future with that very person and chain ourselves to that stone. Because we're never ready to admit to ourselves this amazing, fulfilling, omnipotent love can fade away or crash or just disappear. We're not ready to admit there is tomorrow and that we can't control it.

And jealousy is not only about another person. It's ever-present. After the falling in love abates, we face our greatest enemy -the FEAR, the lack of trust, the "what if". Every word, every gesture or stare is being analysed for a sign of betrayal. Not necessarily physical as in affair with sexy blond waitress. No. More like a sign that the love is gone. A sign that the dream we're living in is not going to last forever. A sign for the bad time that always follows the good time.

Exactly that fear is what destroys relationships, I think. I remember every fight or accusation that it's not enough, that it's different, that it wouldn't be like this if he loved me. And today I finally realised- who the fuck am I to say if he loves me? I mean is there a way he could prove it to me if I refuse to accept it? Let's face it- we can't read minds, we unite rarely-when we're in love or when we're making love. But in the rest of the time-what he's thinking, what am I thinking, who knows. And who cares. Because what matters are our actions. The being there. The not being there. The care, the sympathy. All the little things he does and I don't see waiting for the big ones.

All I want to say is I'm not going to live in that fear anymore. He might not be the last person I'll love. It's very real possibility. But as long as he is the man I love, I'd like to live that time in peace and joy, not in fear and annoying accusations.

Yes, he's not giving me everything. Maybe tomorrow I'll find someone who'll give me what I need. Maybe he'll be the one, or maybe he'll be just an affair. Maybe he'll forgive me, maybe not. But I believe in Destiny. The fact I met him on the first place, means Destiny exists. It gives us what we need. So if we're bound to separate and find another someones, as depressing as it is, it can't be for worst. And in any case, I can't judge that in advance. I don't know who's waiting me out there. Nor him. I don't know if we'll end up having 3 kids and a house or we'll end up in tears and shame. But I can't allow this unknown to make my life a hell anymore. Nor his. I know understand how hard it must be to be always scrutinized for a sign of destruction. And always accused it's not enough.

I'll try to live my life the way I want it and see where it'll take me. I still don't know what that means but...if he can't give me enough, I simply have to find it somewhere else.
But I can't continue to torture him for what he's not. He is what he is and I love very big part of it.
That fear-it's wrong. It's done so much damage. I can't even remember when it first appeared. When I decided he has to prove something to me. He doesn't have to. He really doesn't have to. We are what we are and that's it. Why should I be scared of tomorrow if I'm the one who'll choose it? If I'm the one who'll enjoy it or hate it or whatever? It's really stupid. Tomorrow is tomorrow, now is now. And even the worst might be for the best.

I still don't know if I have to make a decision, if I have to let it go or fight for it...What I know is that people are the way they are and we rarely can change them. Of course, I don't know when it's time to let go and when we have to wait, but I guess the moment will speak for itself. But at least, I'll try my best to stop that- "you must love me or leave me, but you can't leave me, because I love you" thing.

Love must be free, forcing it is just killing it.

And I really should let go of the fear. Even if we were married and had the 3 kids, he still could leave me in any moment for any reason. So what's the point. I love him, all I want is to be with him. I'll do that for as long as possible or sensible. And after that, well, I'm sure a new love will come.

Yes. I believe in tomorrow. I believe in Destiny. Then fear has no place in my heart. Only love and appreciation of the gift I have. Cuz even if temporary, it's more than enough. A diamond guy is a rare specie, even if only for a while, the shining will stay for ever.

Today is the Day of the fight against AIDS/HIV so I found this interesting article in AuroAktiv.
I'm not sure at what point it will start actually, but that initiative makes me optimistic about the outcome of the war against misery.

It's a shame that such a big part of humanity has no access to basic goods. I have said it on many occasions, on many places, but for me the level of one civilization is measured by the life of its poorest members, as well as its achievement- by the life of the richest. And we can see we're in bad condition on both scales. Meaning, rich people live in waste, but not real luxuries are being used/at least not to my attention in the moment/-luxuries from the highest end of technology in every part of the life-stuff that makes everybody say wow. Ultra-expensive stuff that will make the science and the technology to grow and to think of even cooler ways to make the life more exiting. Like flying cars, ultra-modern jets, houses with computer interface and whatever else you can find in sci-fi novels.
Rich people,instead, invest in estates, human labor and expensive but not totally different toys.

And poor people live on the verge of existence. No food, no medicine, no shelter, no education. Nothing. I know my American friends might argue that this is not to be given, but is to be earned, but I totally disagree. If we want to fight the misery, the terrorism, the irrationality in the world, we ought to help the poorest to rise from the mud and see why living in a safe world is worthy.
Because agree with me-if you live in a cage, you don't exactly care you're gonna ruin the life of the civilized people. While if you live in a decent house, have children and life to enjoy, you're much more careful about what to do and whom you do it. And that goes not only for Afghanistan, but for any self-respective country. The higher the quality of the life of the poorest- the lower level of crimes and of general misery. So, let's have a moment and consider what could we do to improve the life of the lowest parts of our society. How to help them see why our life should be respected. How to show them that working for themselves doesn't unnecessarily mean working against us.

I think only this way we can say our civilization is going in the right direction. All other directions can bring only misery.
And, of course, education, medicine and food are the best things we can provide. I hope the EU would be successful with its idea.

EU Parliament clears access to cheap medicines for poor nations

Published: Thursday 25 October 2007
After tough negotiations with the Commission and member states, the European Parliament has finally endorsed an international agreement on improving access to medicines for developing countries. To come into force, the protocol must be ratified by at least two thirds of
the countries.
After the vote had already been postponed three times by Parliament's trade committee, the EP finally gave its assent to a protocol amending a World Trade Organisation (WTO) agreement on trade-related aspects of intellectual property rights (TRIPS) on 24 October 2007.
The protocol aims to facilitate developing countries' access to medicines, by enabling countries "with insufficient or no manufacturing capacity in the pharmaceutical sector" to address public health emergencies, such as AIDS or malaria, by importing cheap generic versions of patented drugs. source:EuroAktiv

My first official speech

Dear professors, colleagues and guests,
First I'd like to thank the organisers for the honoring me to talk,
Today, we're here to celebrate the end of one important phase of our life-to be a student.
From now on, for many of us there is an important choice to make- whether to continue our education and our path in science or to find another path.
There is nothing unusual in this- life is all about choices. The important thing is to choose something that has a meaning to us, so that this meaning can empower us and inspire us in moments of need.
For some of us the education in Sofia University is an important-we found friends, we learned a lot, we understood something new about us. For others, this was a torture and every session was a monstrous effort of the will. In any case, this is the past. We graduated- Congratulations! Now in front of us is the new beginning-to decide what's our real calling.
I decided for myself.
And I want to tell you why I chose the science among all the other attractive and better paid professions.
For me, the most important thing the university gives us is not the knowledge. We gain knowledge from our birth in different form and volume. You don't need
to be a student to learn new things and to develop.
For me the most important thing the university gave me is the attitude in life. An attitude of person who knows that problems are inevitable and that every difficulty is not a tragedy but a challenge. That with hard work, good will and much patience one can achieve everything.
The task of the university is not to pour knowledge in our heads but to teach us how to find the knowledge alone and how to use it. The transition school-university is the transition of person used to be told what to do to a person who tell others what to do. You needn't be a student to think independently, of course, but you can't claim you're a scientist and to be dependent on the opinion of others. The only measure if something is good is whether it will make people happier and more free.
That's what the university taught me. To be myself and to search the truth in everything. Because only the truth is important. To believe in someone else's hopes and dreams, no matter who sells them to you lead only to confusion and suffering. Only in the sincere search for the truth and in the honest creation of real things the dreams and the hopes are beautiful and healthy. And if our ife doesn't create happiness in no one and most of all, in us, it's useless.
I chose the science, because I think this is my way of searching and finding the truth. Because this is my way to respect the greatness of the Universe and to show the other people its Beauty.
And because I believe everyone should do what gives him/her satisfaction and to be where he/she is happy-I chose to stay in Bulgaria and be a scientist.
For finish, I'd like to tell a story. Couple of months ago, I had to give a talk on a conference. Of course, I was extremely worried,because this was something big in my eyes. When the moment came, everything that could go wrong did so. From a hall full of computers not even one wanted to run my presentation for one reason or another. All in all, it was a mess. I could quit. I could postpone. But I didn't. I stayed there and told what I had to, because I believed it is important. I consider this for the best moral. To keep on doing what we believe in, despite the difficulties and how stupid we feel.
Because what we feel or thing matters only to us. What matters to the other is what we DO. It is what changes the world. What stays in history is not our motivation or intentions, but what we did and how it affected everyone else. I wish to each and everyone of you to find your way to the truth and despite all the problems, to make the world a better and fairer place to be.
And of course, I would like to thank all my professors and university staff. Although not everyone brought nice moments to me, I believe everyone taught me something important about me and the world as a whole. I thank in particular everyone who helped me in my way until now as well as to those who will travel with me from now on. I want to thank to my colleagues with who we've been trough so many good and bad moments. I thank to the university for existing in spite of everything and to the government that take cares of us although not as much as we take care of it. I want to thank our wonderful planet and my lovely family for the support and the power it gives me when I need it. I consider the gratitude for important because it allows us to see where we are and who helped us along the way. That's why I'd like to ask everyone to think who you want to thank and why.
Thank you for your attention and God Speed!
And remember- knowledge is power. Always!
Sofia, Bulgaria, 21.11.2007

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates, Oct. 31 — Alexandre Robert, a French 15-year-old, was having a fine summer in this tourist paradise on the Persian Gulf. It was Bastille Day and he and a classmate had escaped the July heat at the beach for an air-conditioned arcade.

Just after sunset, Alex says he was rushing to meet his father for dinner when he bumped into an acquaintance, a 17-year-old, who said he and his cousin could drop Alex off at home.

There were, in fact, three Emirati men in the car, including a pair of former convicts ages 35 and 18, according to Alex. He says they drove him past his house and into a dark patch of desert, between a row of new villas and a power plant, took away his cellphone, threatened him with a knife and a club, and told him they would kill his family if he ever reported them. /eh, I would ask why did he get in that car on first place, I wouldn't do it. But he's young so it doesn't really matter/

Then they stripped off his pants and one by one sodomized him in the back seat of the car. They dumped Alex across from one of Dubai’s luxury hotel towers.

Alex and his family were about to learn that despite Dubai’s status as the Arab world’s paragon of modernity and wealth, and its well-earned reputation for protecting foreign investors, its criminal legal system remains a perilous gantlet when it comes to homosexuality and protection of foreigners.

The authorities not only discouraged Alex from pressing charges, he, his family and French diplomats say; they raised the possibility of charging him with criminal homosexual activity, and neglected for weeks to inform him or his parents that one of his attackers had tested H.I.V. positive while in prison four years earlier.

“They tried to smother this story,” Alex said by phone from Switzerland, where he fled a month into his 10th-grade school year, fearing a jail term in Dubai if charged with homosexual activity. “Dubai, they say we build the highest towers, they have the best hotels. But all the news, they hide it. They don’t want the world to know that Dubai still lives in the Middle Ages.”

Alex and his parents say they chose to go public with his case in the hope that it would press the authorities to prosecute the men.

United Arab Emirates law does not recognize rape of males, only a crime called “forced homosexuality.” The two adult men charged with sexually assaulting Alex have pleaded not guilty, although sperm from all three were found in Alex. The two adults appeared in court on Wednesday and were appointed a lawyer. They face trial before a three-judge panel on Nov. 7. The third, a minor, will be tried in juvenile court. Legal experts here say that men convicted of sexually assaulting other men usually serve sentences ranging from a few months to two years.

Dubai is a bustling financial and tourist center, one of seven states that form the United Arab Emirates. At least 90 percent of the residents of Dubai are not Emirati citizens and many say that Alex’s Kafkaesque legal journey brings into sharp relief questions about unequal treatment of foreigners here that have long been quietly raised among the expatriate majority. The case is getting coverage in the local press.

It also highlights the taboos surrounding H.I.V. and homosexuality that Dubai residents say have allowed rampant harassment of gays and have encouraged the health system to treat H.I.V. virtually in secret. (Under Emirates law, foreigners with H.I.V., or those convicted of homosexual activity, are deported.)

Prosecutors here reject such accusations. “The legal and judicial system in the United Arab Emirates makes no distinction between nationals and non-nationals,” said Khalifa Rashid Bin Demas, head of the Dubai attorney general’s technical office, in an interview. “All residents are treated equally.”

Dubai’s economic miracle — decades of double-digit growth spurred by investors, foreign companies, and workers drawn to the tax-free Emirates — depends on millions of foreigners, working jobs from construction to senior positions in finance. Even many of the criminal court lawyers are foreigners.

Alex’s case has raised diplomatic tensions between the Emirates and France, which has lodged official complaints about the apparent cover-up of one assailant’s H.I.V. status and other irregularities. The tension and growing publicity over the case seem to have prompted the authorities to take action.source NYTimes


My comment: I think it's high times that Arab society stop pretending like they don't have gays or HIV or low morality. The question of morality is not a question of the religion, it is inherited human feature. Especially when it comes to something that doesn't even fall in the moral category- the homosexuality. People are just born like this, then if you say you don't have them in your country, you're simply lying. I ask, who benefits from those lies? Nobody!
Even more, by hiding and lying they put human lives in danger and risk the whole thing to fall on their heads sooner or later. Because if you deny the truth, it won't go away. More likely to have to face an epidemic and loose people's respect and trust.

Buying and selling hope

Do you want to get rich? Do you want to spend your life working in pajamas? Do you want to say to your boss to fuck off and die and to go living on the beach? Of course you do! Well, the good news is that you can. The bad news is that you won't.

I want to get rich too. I spent months on researching the net for opportunities, reading books, trying out stuff. What I saw was always the same- people promised, people cajoled, people wanted to help YOU. They all were so interested in helping YOU, in making YOU rich. You can't help but wonder how come there are so many ways to get rich and so little people that are really rich. And even more, what bothered me immensely was not so much the promises. It was what they are selling. Tell me honestly, what do they sell? No, really, what? How many get-rich-quick schemes have you seen, that offer you something REAL, a product they produced... Yeah, they sell you books, books giving away they secrets and know-how, books - fifth edition, resold and/or rebranded for 5th time. Books that promise to be unique.

But what do we find in there beside the dreams of money making machines?
-How to make sites- with and without HTML knowledge. Good stuff. Definitely findable in Internet. Some really good sites offer you easy tutorial on HTML and CSS. Many sites don't even require it! These days, you could have a site having just little bit of creativity.
-Google Adsense and Adwords guide-secrets that you can find all over the net. Little tricks that even Google itself tells you. It's ok if you're new and lazy- they give it all to you, chewed and spitted, ready for you to use it. With the little warning that Google keeps on changing the rules so by the time you read it, it's always a possibility Google decided to make those tricks inoperable. A little example for you-just few months ago, you could earn well from Traffic Exchange programs. Then Google hit back and now, clicks from such sites are worth pretty much nothing. Enjoy.
-Blogging. Yeah. The unthinkable worth of having a blog. Where to make a blog. In case you never seen a blog. In case you're blind. Not that it's impossible but let's face it- if you made a little research on Internet business, you'll met already all kind of blogs and blogs about blogs. But again it's very informative. My favorite quote "why blogs are important? Because you write something, someone comments and voila, your site has new content. Google find it more appealing and shows it more on the search" (from the Next Internet Millionaire). That's, of course, true. And important. Though it won't say the little fact- there are thousands of blogs that get new comments. Lots of new comments. You write something about your new cat and 20 friends will say "cool" and here we go. Would that make your blog more important in Google eyes? Who knows...Guess not really.
-Content- how to write sites with many key words and not get banned by Google. Yeah, one could figure if you want to earn trough a site, you'll have to have some content. Myself, I didn't even know one could make a site entirely with keywords and to use Adsense to make money. It looked too wrong to exist. Well it does. And after all those book I know it. They tell you not to do it, but they nicely explain how to do it. Google hates it, users hate it, over all it makes Internet ugly place. But go ahead, do it.
-TRAFFIC! Now, I read a lot on this, because I soon figured the traffic is pretty much the most important thing in internet business. And all those books tell you pretty much everything and precisely NOTHING on it. To summarize the say: 1) spread the word for your site to all your friends 2) use the URL as a signature in you emails and blog/forum posts 3) use off-line publicity 4) use online publicity-Adwords or all other ways you could afford. 5) you might even try Traffic Exchange although it won't work pretty cool 6)Optimize your site for search engines 7) submit the site to all kind of free and paid online directories you could find. Now, this really is very big part of gathering traffic. At least, I still haven't figured out the secret part. Because let me tell you- it's not enough. Ok, I know the big traffic comes from the right use of Adwords, but for me, if you don't sell anything and want to earn trough Adsense, it's not worthy. Or it might be. But it requires investment and lots of research to find the best Adwords and to calculate the right price. Not for me, not in the moment. But let's face it, most of these sites do SELL something, they sell those books. So they earn from that and it's actually worthy paying for publicity, because they pay cents for click trough Adwords and earn minimum 30$ if you buy. And they make pretty sure you buy. So if you want to walk this way, you have a chance.
-How to sell. Now this was what really spoked me out. Recently I read a book which said"to sell, you have to use few key techniques 1) create a need 2) give a hope 3) make it urgent 4) make a very special offer. Combined with being personal and sharing your story. And people will buy. Because they don't look for a product, they look for a hope. They probably won't ever read the book or follow trough. But they want the hope". It's not an exact quote. But it's what it said. And it made me utterly crazy. Because it's true. Because people really do want to buy the dream, not the product. Because people want to be lied. They want to believe they have a chance and to go to bed happy they found the PRODUCT, the TOOL to happiness. And then they wake up and forget about it. And every time they are miserable, they will remember it and feel better, because they know when they have time, they'll use it. Yeah. Well, to people earning on that, it might seem ok to make those promises. But not to me. We shouldn't use the stupidity of people, we have to fight it. I could use one of those products and with little bit investment, I would earn well probably. Maybe I would if I'm desperate. But should I? Is it fair? I don't think so.
So that's it. That's in most of those books. At least the ones I read. They may be with more or less pages, written better or worst, but over all, that's it. They won't give a way more. They won't give you what you need. You still need to work your ass off to find a way to promote your page. Because promoting really sucks. You can have the best site ever, but if people don't visit it, you're done. And it's not people like 1o-50 a day. It's people like 500-1000 a day. If you want to earn trough Adsense. Or to have decent sellings.

This was a review on what people sell. But very few of them actually sell you books they wrote. Mostly they rebranded them /put their names on them after paying to the owner/ and they give the same opportunity to you. How nice. The whole net sells the same products written or created by very few people who win trough the pyramid . And usually you are on the bottom. You got lied and now you want to lie other people too. All win, all loose. And the money circulate.

Well, that's the reason why I write this. I watched the Next Internet Millionaire. I liked the participants. It was great to see all those people, committed to succeed.And the people who actually succeeded. But what came out of them in the end? The same no-products. They sell you a story, or a product which you could re-sell. And that's it. Nothing real. Nothing that you don't already know. There's no evolution. There's no progress in those products, only in the ways they try to make you buy. Which is wrong! I want to get rich, but I want these to happen trough something real, giving something real to people. Something that they will use and that will improve their life. I don't want to sell lies. I hope you won't do it too.

You can get rich in internet. You can succeed. The question is how- doing something good or doing something bad. Yes, you can get lied, but should you do the same to others to make it even? I don't think so. Please don't. Let's all find a way to get rich creating something real, not abusing on people's dreams and hopes. Let's sell dreams that are real. Let's create a better world.

I just had a discussion in on a forum on the benefits of remembering our dreams. And as with magical wand, I found this article which I remind myself to read for days and I did today :) . Of course, it's on dreams. Here's a summary of what I read. It gives the scientific base for discovering the real purpose of sleeping. You can find the stages of sleep, what part of our brain work they affect (good for people that have to take a test) and of course some scientific background. On the end, you can find a scientific preview of the nightmares.
I hope you enjoy it.

The story begins in 1953 when Dr. Aserinsky found his son produces the same eye movement patterns while asleep as if he's awake. He calls that state REM or rapid eye movements.
Dr. William Dement, studying REM found that it was universal and occurred periodically through the night, alternating with other states. He gave them names: Stages 3 and 4, or deep sleep, when electrical waves roll as slow as mid-ocean swells; Stage 2, an intermediate stage
between REM and deep sleep; and Stage 1, light sleep (REM). Interesting enough, only during REM, you are paralyzed so you night walk only during other states.

/Something I found in another article:
When slipping into REM sleep, Dr. Levin said, “the whole brain
changes.” “Neurochemically, it’s like the Fourth of July,” as cortical
precincts shift colors in scanning images to indicate arousal or
quiescence, he said, adding, “The limbic system becomes incredibly
active, much more so than when you’re awake, which is why you’re
emotionally on edge in dreams.”
For more on this colorful description, check here/

Later studies concluded that:
Memory of learned facts, whether they are names, places, numbers or Farsi verbs, seems to benefit in part from deep sleep. This state usually lasts an hour or more in those lolling depths early in the night, and typically less time later on.
When cramming on facts, in short, it may be wiser to crash early at night and arise early, than to burn the candle until 2 a.m., the research suggests.

REM sleep, the bulk of which comes later in the night, seems important for pattern recognition — for learning grammar, for example, or to bird-watch, or play chess.

Dr. Carlyle Smith of Trent University in Canada has found a strong association between the amount of Stage 2 sleep a person gets and the improvement in learning motor tasks. Mastering a guitar, a hockey stick or a keyboard are all motor tasks.
“The implication of this is that if you are preparing for a performance, a music recital, say, or skating performance, it’s better to stay up late than get up really early.”
***
And something about how our brain functions:
Past research has shown that the hippocampus (where the day’s memories are recorded) is spatially sensitive: it seems literally to pair the firing of individual neurons with locations outside the body. These systems are thought to function in similar ways
in humans and rodents.
Dr. Wilson and Daoyun Ji reported that in sleeping animals they had recorded chatter in neurons in the visual center of the neocortex, followed by an apparent response in the hippocampus — and not just any response, but a replay of the activity in the hippocampus that occurred during a maze task.

Dr. Wilson thinks of this as a kind of off-line conversation between the neocortex, which is involved in conscious learning during waking, and the hippocampus.

***
And finally is the sleep essential for our ability to learn? Here's what the article said...

Subimal Datta, a neuroscientist across the river at Boston University School of Medicine, thinks so. In his studies of animals, he has documented that during sleep the brain is awash in a chemical bath unlike any during waking. Levels of inhibitory transmitters increase
sharply, and levels of many activating messengers drop, or shut down entirely.

“During waking we have a thousand things happening at once, the library is filling up, and we can’t possibly process it all,” Dr. Datta said. While awake the brain is also gathering lots of valuable information subconsciously, he said, without the person’s ever being
aware of it.

“It’s during sleep that we have this special condition to clear away this overload, and these REM processes then help store what’s important,” Dr. Datta said.

source NY Times
Up next, (hopefully)-more on the spiritual meaning of dreams. :)
Below is a little commentary on nightmares from that article:

Ordinary bad dreams rarely recapitulate unpleasant events from real life but instead cannibalize them for props and spare parts, and through that reinvention, Dr. Nielsen explained, the fears are defanged. “A bad dream that doesn’t lead to awakening is successful in dealing with intense emotion,” he said. “It’s disturbing, but there is
some kind of resolution to the extent we don’t wake up.”

By this scenario, nightmares, in allowing you to escape prematurely, represent a failure of the “fear extinction” system. “Bad dreams are functional, nightmares dysfunctional,” he said.

If you feel yourself falling, spread your arms out and learn how to fly.


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To the pain

How much time should pass before the pain abates?
How much time before the memory fades away?
How many blushes until I can look you in the eyes,
And tell you the truth and forget all the disguises

It's hard to not be able to speak when you want it. Fear and pain are odd creatures. Even if you somehow manage to out-grow them, they still make a filter on your perceptions. And the worst is that this filter is in both directions. You sometimes see events in the wrong light, but also, you manage to transfer your fears to the others. Today was one of those days.

An event long forgotten, partly forgiven, but still making me watch carefully for any signs of its repeat. And obviously it shows. And one of the people I respect a lot told me not to worry, that anything i don't want to happen to me, won't happen to me and i felt so so low. Because it's one thing to fight something in yourself, but totally different to hear it from someone who has no clue of the truth. It's so hard. It's painful. Because you wear a mask, a mask that little by little becomes reality- and in this case, it's for good, you need to become the free person that mask shows. And somebody just blow away your mask and brings you back to the misery you once felt. To the person you tried to forget. To the pain and fears you really really would like to not remember. Simply a disaster.

I don't know how people manage to overcome psychological traumas. Talking seems to be fine, but can you tell that to everybody? Should you? Should you let the past define your personality. I don't think so. But then how to escape the past when its ghosts are around you and show up on the wrongest places. I believed I forgot. I think I did it. I forgot the pain. But the shame, a shame that it's not even meant to exist, it's still there. And i can't face it. I can't simply tell people- "excuse me if i act oddly, but i have memories and i can't control them yet". It's not something you say. It makes you too weak. And I don't want to be weak.
And i don't want people to see me trough the light of what happened to me, i don't. What happened to me is just for me to learn and grow. But sometimes it just won't happen the way we want it, right...

Happy Holiday!

Today is a great day.
Not the after-Halloween day, but the day of the leaders of Bulgarian Nation. According to my somewhat weird dictionary. But on this day we don't celebrate only the lives of all the people who fought for our freedom armed with words and education.

We celebrate everybody who works to teach people and to learn more about our world. Today is the day of teachers, university workers, writers, even probably of the journalists who still fight for our rights from time to time.

We have one Bulgarian song- Ahead, the science is a sun, which lights our souls, ahead, the nationality never falls, there where knowledge is inside.
Ok, something like this.

Yes, knowledge is the Sun that lights our souls. I believe we're here to learn, to explore and manipulate our world. The knowledge is the ultimate virtue-as Buddhists say- suffering is a result from the lack of knowledge. If we know, we can't be miserable.

I dedicate this thought to today's holiday and wish to all of us fighting for understanding to have the strength to never stop our quest for the Truth. Gos speed!

Have a happy holiday, all!

Yesterday, before falling asleep I remembered a friend I had once upon the time.

We were 12-13-14, and we saw each other in the weekends couple of times in the month. Few months. I went to check if he's there at his grand-parents house. I'd wait for him to appear from that narrow path of theirs among the forest. I'll say hi.
Then we'll just go somewhere and sit and be quite for a while. And then we'll talk. Like a waterfall everything will move from my head to his and vice versa. It was all so natural. Talking and talking for hours. Sharing everything, holding nothing...

I can't say if he was my best friend for that time. Maybe he was my only friend back then. I never thought of this. We just did what we did and we never discussed our relationship. It was no relationship, just pure communication. The joy to be with someone who holds no back thoughts, who accept you for what you are. The pure happiness of exploring your mind and seeing how the other will react to it.

I don't see him anymore. For a while. For like 6-7 years. No question asked, no answers given. We stopped talking to each other the way we started-nobody remembers how or why it happened. And I must admit even back then we saw each other and talked only at that place. No phone calls. No seeing in our normal life in the city. Just in our vacations. Like that place put a spell on us and bound us to friendship. When the place was no more, there was us no more. Funny.

And I was thinking yesterday, how many more friend I'll have, that will be just for a while. That will come and go and leave only the memory of the fine time I had with them. Now that I'm traveling to conferences and stuff, I meet such great people. People that I might never see again. But people that made me happy and joyful for a while. So many storied that I'd never hear. So many smiles I'll never again see.

And one more thing - is it worthy trying to keep in touch with them? Can our friendship or whatever survive the space and time? The busy life we have. The distance. And should it ? Or it was just for a while. I don't know.

I miss so many people. I don't know if I'll ever see them again. I don't know even if what we had was real or just the magic of the place. But it was so nice being able to talk to them, to laugh to them and to enjoy their presence. So- to them!

To you my friends -present and forgotten. Even if we never see again, thank you for your time. I loved it.


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One little surprising but quite funny (in some senses of the world) article in New Scientist called:

Death special: How does it feel to die?

What's special about it that it describes in very scientific manner how it feels to die from different causes. I especially liked the description of decapitation since it involved some sinister historical parts.

Of course, most of those deaths are kind of accidental, if you wanna know what it is to die slowly and naturally- check the Tibetan "Book of Life and Death". But this is quite enlightening too.

Enjoy it!

P.S. I don't mean to sound mean or cool, I'm not. You remember my previous face to face with death and you can read how shocked I am. But after that, death seems much more natural event, so if we don't count the personality loss, I guess it has some fun point of view. Like the guy who died sucked by a firefighter plane while swimming in a lake. Wouldn't it be fun if he didn't drown or died in the fall, but burned? Ok, not fun, but kind of black-humorish. Ok, I guess not, but still. The article is good.

A dream

I dreamed of love, of sudden passion
Of full burst of joy in astral silence
I touched the skin and felt the glory
And kissed the mouth and found it wanting.

I dreamed of someone, his lips so soft
His eyes so sincere in his delight
And dream it was, a dream so pure
I loved and lived and then it finished.

The dreams so easily disguise
Our lust conquers us and lies
We hug and touch and feel falsely adored
Our senses lied, the love-just glimpse of joy.

Denitsa

Fear

Growing up is sometimes harder than expected, especially when you're not teen anymore.

The last two weeks were delusional outbreaks of sparks from the hell and chill from the heaven. Or the other way around. I still can't quite figure that out.
But now I'm almost 100% sure there is a moral in them, that everything happens for a reason.

I still delve the problem with living in a lie. Why we should all prefer the easy lie than the not-so-pleasant, but way-more-constructive truth? Is it so hard to accept the idea we're not perfect (nor the other guy) and we have to change from time to time what's not working. Obviously it is. And obviously that throws me in sincere desperation. But my desperation is nothing but twisted (and annoying) self-love - nothing to be to careful about.

But what inspired me (or maybe "motivated me" is the better wording) for this session is the fear.
In our life we meet lots of fears. Some bigger, some lesser. And some absolutely over-whelming. I have one such fear- flying makes me loose my mind completely. So for totally not depending on me reasons I had to fly 6 planes in two weeks. It was a nightmare, all right. Not so much because the flights were bad (though some of them weren't so good for my disturbed mind), but because you can't reason with fear. You can't discuss the fear. You can only deny it or accept it. Tried both of them-NOT WORKING!

Now, don't you dare telling me it's safe or whatever other shit-i'm not buying it. I know just how safe it is. My problem is not the safety, it's the absolute deadlyness of that 1% statistic crashes. You can't do anything to prevent it or evade it or change it, appart from not getting on the stupid plane. But, of course, that's not an option, because obviously planes always lead to the best places on the Earth. And the greatest companies. And the most abundant alchohol.

So, totally helpless I fly into the sunset. But helplessness is not floating my boat. It just scares the shit out of me.

Ok, not to dramatize it too much, after all I'm alive and safe and I'd still climb on a plane if I have to. My point is how useless the fear is. You fly on the plane, you don't fly the plane. You can as well just hang on the ceiling, if the ridiculous security measures didn't forbid that and still you'll be out of options. The only thing you can do is just sit and relax. But it's not working. How come a stupid fear is stronger than you. How come it's stronger than me???

If you look for any coherence or final destination of this point, you won't find it. I'm way too confused. And I don't like being scared. But I am. Scared and confused. At least when I think about
airplanes.

On the brighter side...I had lovely two weeks. Later I'll upload some of the prettiest pictures I made. Or the funniest if you like. It was a great holiday and I don't sorry even the slightest about my hard time in the air. After all everything is good when it finishes well, and this time it did. I'm totally in love with Italy and South Spain.
It's amazing how the nice Mediterranian sea afects people nearby it.
And the warm sea is AWESOME!

Off for now, I need some sleep. Again, this is not another depressive post. I was trully happy these two weeks, even if I had one or two bad days. But now I know it was for a reason and I rely on that. Sooner or later everything will fit right and the life will be full of joy again. Until then,
all best
Denitsa

Lies, Lies, Lies

I'm so young. Obviously.
I just came to realize what's the most important skill in our life. To be able to lie.
You may think truth is always better, but people don't want to hear the truth. They want to be lied. The ask to be lied. They require it from you.
In the moment you start being honest, they feel angry. They are scared, because if you're both lying then no one has to change. And no one wants to change.
We can never live for ever with this attitude. Or course, we'll die at some point- we become useless- no one wants to change, to learn new things, to change the perspective. The only way to do it is to die and be born again. Until the next turn. It generally and particularly sucks.
I wanted to have a life and a love that is pure. Without the usual contamination, without the usual shit. Could I have it? Probably. Definitely.
Should I have it? Hm.Interesting.
You give you best to the person you love, you adore him and make compromises with things you're not compromise with. You wait for that change. You wait, and wait. But the change is always marginal, not existing, because the other doesn't care. Because he finds it normal to be that way. Well, IT ISN'T!
Two days ago, I had to make a choice. A choice equal to cutting my hand. Forgive me the drama. But It's way too dramatic for me anyway. So I had to make that choice.
To say "yes" or to say "no". If I said yes, my life'd change in unpredicted and probably bad way, if i said no, it'll stay the same. But you know what, we all have the right to seek for perfectness. We all have the right to live in a fairy tale. Or as close to it as possible. I accept everyone has flaws, I know you can't be perfect. But you can try. And i never tried. Because i believed patience and love and good faith will just help. Well, they didn't. Or the did in a weird way.
The funny thing is that in going for the "yes" I knew I'd lose some self-respect, that I'd do something I think bad. I knew it, but i knew I should do it. Cuz as long as you always behave, people around you decide they don't have to be win your good behavior. That you're final. Well, I'm not final. I want to live for ever. I want to be new everyday.And this is not the way.
I love my love. I love him more than anything on this world. I love him as much as I love my self. Which is a lot. So,in a way I did it for him too. Cuz I don't believe this is the way to live. Life should be lived with passion. So passion it is!

P.S. Each and every person I asked for advice, told me to lie. Told me it's the way it should be. The way everybody does. Why? Tell me why! I'm obviously so young.

Recently I played on Overlord and had to overcome the major problem with the grass in Heaven's Peak. I even decided I'll just leave the game aside, because there was no way to do it.
Well, actually there is a way to do it and it's quite simple-cut the grass with your mouse!

The scheme provided on other sites was really helpful:
5 6
4 7 12 13
3 8 11 14
2 9 10 15
1 16
the order you have to cut it as seen from women's balcony. But there was something way way more important. You don't have to run around to do it. You should only hold "shift" and press the left mouse button and the little idiots will mow it themselves. You'll have to just guide them, which offers much more freedom to move them around quickly. From then on, I found the position in the empty spot between the two grassy parts near the balcony is best to guide them. And that's it. Once I figured I can do it with the mouse, it took me 3 tries. You just have to try it few times and well, have a decent mouse.

Now I don't think that's the hardest part of the game, because if you remember what the game taught you like million times-how to guide and move objects with your minions, you'll do it in 5 minutes. Well, I don't have to mention that I spent hours on that and that I didn't find that information in ANY other site and I figured it when I watched a youtube video of a guy mowing the lawn and realised he's not running in front of the minions, he's guiding them. From then on, it was just simple.

So that's it. I hope you all find this information helpful. And since my blog isn't about gaming, feel free to check what it is about. Life is much much more interesting than any other game.
Good luck all!

Insights

A new month, a new beginning. Last month, it was all about fighting with vices and passions. This month starts the same way.
First of all i'd like to share some insights I gained over the last month. For me August was marked with the face of death and the fire of anger. It was hard to overcome all those emotions, but somehow I did. Kind of.
But when all those storms abated, I figured something important. I was so shocked by my encounter with death, I could barely speak. I didn't know if I acted the right way, if I didn't doom to even more suffering someone I know.
Now I think I know what it was all about. The whole time I presumed I was the one that saved my grand mother, that I bring her back to life. That I could be guilty for not letting her go. Now, I can see clearly. I wasn't nothing but a tool. I did what I did, but she was dead. She started breathing on her own. I gave up, I was acting automatically, and then there was the roar, the moan, of the air fighting for his passage to the lungs. Of the lungs battling for they right to live. I helped a lot, all right. But I couldn't have changed her destiny- it was she who chose life. She did it. She decided to come back. For me, or not, it was her decision. I simply had to be there, to do what I can, to respect that decision. That was amazing opportunity. Unbelievable. I mean, how many people can say they have seen someone goes and then comes back again, alone. Yes, they save lives every day in hospitals. But i'm not a doctor. I'm just a girl. And now I see this even as a gift. A gift I couldn't quite appreciate when it happened but which now I can at least acknowledge.
It was like maturing. I spent so many sleepless nights in fear from death. And in just one hour, I saw her for what it is. The pure, unpolished natural act of leaving the body. Of going away.
And the body, while left alone, it was so innocent. So..beautiful. Yes, even on 70, it was still beautiful. Dark, dying, decaying, but perfect. A machine, that we still can only awe to. The spirit might give us the glow and the power, but our body by itself is so utterly fragile. Like a baby. Like a piece of art that someone created and now we have to use and take care of. It was so clean, it was so empty, but yet awaiting. It required peace, but it lacked the fire. It needed it. It begged for it. Like the most brilliant glass, that's simply not complete without the fine wine you put in it. The vessel crying for it's purpose.
A painful moment to remember and yet enriching every time you manage to not give in to the pain and pity and fear and all those feelings that arise when we see something so great.
I thank for that moment. I thank for the possibility to see the creation in such a deep level. Because although it was scary and maybe normal for the doctors seeing this ever day, for me, it was lit by the love I felt. The love that cries, the love that mourns, the love that fight till the last chance. The love that see things for what they are. It was amazing.
Death, I can't describe it. I can't claim I know it, or fear it not. I do fear it. But I saw it. It's so simple, so natural. It was just "leaving". And as painful a separation could be, it means new beginning. And it doesn't always means the end.
I hope there is never an absolute end. And that life always survive. And that we manage to know the life on such level, that we never fear loosing it.

My love

Out of the depression and into the light.
Hello!
My previous post was full of bitterness to the world, partly fair, partly not. The idea to sacrifice everything I believe in, just for the opportunity to be a scientist broke my heart. I felt so helpless in the face of the social acceptability. Like a doll that is doomed to watch the World behind her glass-eyes and never to be able to see it in true color. I was desperate, I couldn't even breath. It was really hard blow this one.

After many tears and fears, my sadomasochism finally gave way to some rationality and I tried to figure a way out.
I don't know yet how it will turn out to happen, but at least now I have a hope. And I made a commitment to fight for my right to live the way I want. Only time will show, of course, but it's better doing something than crying in the dark.

Although for some people this is ridiculous, I firmly believe people should have free time fitting their needs. Some worship their work, some (like me) adore their family and time for spiritual work. That's why spending like 10 hours outside home is not exactly encouraging thought for me. And even more, the social expectation that "it's normal to work on 8 hours" devastated me. Yes, if you need the money or don't have anything better to do-all right. But to say, this is the only way to live- HELL NO! From here my pain and frustration. I feel better now.

Anyway. I got few insights this weekend that I plan to share here, gradually, mostly because I'm way to busy with my thesis. Just two weeks to come. The game is on!

Yesterday, after my meditation I remembered a song. A song that represent everything I stand for. A lovely song that changed my life from the moment I heard it. That's why, I'd like to share it with you, because it's worthy. For me, it represents the Love. The absolute, beautiful, gracious love that we all fight for, but rarely experience on time. Or in time. The one that we dream of and wait for, but never really admit in our life. So, I offer you this link, to remember it.
That love is achievable. I felt it for moments in my meditation, so everybody can feel it and enjoy it if he or she dedicate some time on reconnecting with her/his soul. I hope the music leads you into your Place of Silence.
I wish you love and peace.



P.S. I wrote a new section for my website To the Future with Love dedicated to the Miracle of Meditation. I'm going to add it these days when I'm free enough, so make sure you check for updates.
P.S.P.S. I just found there are two other versions of "A whole new world"- if one can combine the female's voice from the first, and the male's from the second, that would the be the best song ever!
Peter Andre and Katie Price Jordan - A Whole New World
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey- A Whole New World

Encounters with Reality

This month is absolutely incredible. You would think, it's the end of the summer, time for relaxation and fun, but you're wrong.
For me, it's a hell of a month.
Like every week, I get another challenge, another opportunity to get better or fail dramatically.
I kind of survived the first one, the encounter with Death, though not as a super-hero. But I survived and I might be even stronger by now.
But that was the easy part, as I fought against fear. Now I have to fight against Me. My own, personal, beloved ME.
It's funny how we succeed in such a horrible moments, when we deal with pure instincts and the ultimate fear- the Death. Ok, succeed is a big word for such an event. But at least, we survive without too much traumas.
But when it comes to battling our own sense of superiority- oh, boy. And girl. And even cheeseburger.
It simply is so hard to overcome ourselves. At least for me.
The first blow was on my feeling of propriety.
You use something for so long, you enjoy it, you take care of it, you connect with it. And then somebody else takes it without asking , without even telling. And suddenly everybody says that thing is not yours. You just used it while it was free. You haven't the right to be mad. You have no right to care. Yes, but NO! Because you don't feel like giving up. Even if you're wrong or not entirely right, you still won't give up. Because for certain period of time, the thing was yours and you liked it this way. And of course, no one ever told you it won't last forever.
In that moment, that particular thing (or any other that you care enough for) is more important than anyone else. Like all the people you love turned into enemies.
What are the options? You either chose the obviously not-really-spiritual path and fight till the end, or you chose your soul and forget about it.
What did I do? Nothing yet. I'm still locked in my fury, I'm too hurt to act the way I should. But eventually I will. I will give it up, because it causes me ridiculously much pain. But it's hard.
What's the moral? Things and even people cannot lead to ultimate happiness. The only one that can make you happy is yourself. So, learn to manage your stated. Right...

The next blow was even harder.
The sense of propriety is important. But the life you envision for yourself is even more important.
Our personality is all made up. Who we think we are is entirely based on our own ideas and some reflections from the others that we translate in our own madness . And when suddenly that idea is shattered, your dreams are made to dust with a righteous "that's the way it should be" smile, it gets ugly.
All the dreams, desires and plans goes DOWN. Because that is the way it should be. Our society is based on this. Our civilization is base on this- the imprisonment of minds. People simply cannot get too free. They always should obey some limitations. To fit the frame. And when someone doesn't feel like it- oh, well, you either get born in VERY rich family or your doomed to legal slavery.
It's not so much I don't wanna work. I probably work even more now. The point is, why, and I mean seriously why, one should stay "at the office" when he/she can do the work from home. The answer- to brake you. To fit you. To give you the face of a worker. And if you don't want exactly this face, you get laughed at, you get mocked, you get pitied. Why? Because you thought you can be better the way you are, but that won't please them. They won't be pleased to not see you work, even if you spend the half of the time chatting or just wasting it. That won't fit in.
What are the options? Don't know. What are the options when you have to sell your soul and not for the money, but for the chance to do what you want. What could you possibly do? Still don't know.
What I know is that the only thing we can really change is ourselves. And that's the problem. If you change yourself the way they want, you lose. If you don't change, you lose again.
I know I have to figure how to preserve my soul and yet stay strong and play the game we all play. But it's hard. It's so unbelievably hard. Everything I thought I am turned up wrong. Now what? To obey and be destroy myself or to not obey and be destroyed.

Yes, there is always another option. I know that. That's why I called all these "Challenges" and not "disasters". But the truth is the hardest thing to change is your Ego and I have quite a work to do to come out clean of all these.

Changing is easy, but deciding you should change is the nightmare. I'm in it right now. I know it will be all right. But I had to share my indignation. There must be another way our society to work. A better way. A way when you don't get just few awake hours for the ones you love and or yourself. A way where people happily work for 4 to 6 hours and then head back home and enjoy their family. Because I am a family girl. That's the most important thing for me. Should I just leave science and stay home? Is it the way it should be? Or there is a better way?

Still don't know.
All best,
Denitsa

The Death...almost!

Today I saw Death!
But not the beautiful or horrible one. I saw the one that is real and unloaded from all the prejudices and world of honor. Pure and simple Death. Pure and simple END.

I saw how for few minutes the soul could go for ever. Could leave and never look back.

The body relax, it freezes still and ugly, unlit with the sparkle of life. The man, the person is not there anymore- he/she is just a stack of flesh without its reason to exist. A meat left to rot.

The face of Death,it's so real. It's so simple. Life is so fragile. In the one moment, you're there- healthy or not, but you are there, you exist, you laugh, you breath, you talk and think and reason with the world. And in the next very moment, you're just an empty shell. An envelope that has nothing to wrap and cover.

Without stipulations, without hope. Without warning or prep-talk. Nothing. Just the empty reality of the moment. Simply the beginning and the end.

Today, I saw Life!
But not the life, who opens its eyes and cry out loud to announce its arrival. Today I saw the sparkle to disappear and then, as by force, to flicker again. No questions, no promises. Simple as everything in that Universe.

Today I fought for one life.

A life without a reason or without a cause. A life that have no future, but that is still here. A life that I love. What was suppose to happen? Was it how it was supposed to happen? I don't know. I did what I had to.

Today I fought for one life.

I felt what is to fight the invincible. The inevitable.
Even if you succeed for how long? How much time do we have and who decides when the clock should stop.
Can we beat that? Probably. But can we do it for someone else? Unlikely.

There's nothing romantic in saving someone's life. Nothing light, even nothing dark. Everything is so simple. You do what you can and if somewhere in the sky somebody smile on you, you succeed.
But the face of Death, it stays. It cannot be obliterated. It cannot be forgotten. It cannot be justified. It shall stay. It shall stay and it shall make you remember. Always to remember how easily you can leave, how easily life come and go. To remember that our body is just a vessel that our soul will leave without remorse in the moment it cannot provide for her.

In such moments everything you do, every thought, every prayer are beyond life. They are beyond everything, they are the instinct for survival. One of those programs our brain runs always with high priority and keeps you on them until it's necessary, or until it's safe.

Everything is so...so damn real. There's no time to rest, not even a second. Not a second for sweet escape in the world of fantasy. Because on this World, only the Beginning and the End are Real. Only they send you directly on Earth. Down, in the dust and mud and blood. Down. No questions, no whining, no groan. No will, no passion. Just the uneven battle of man agaisnt Destiny.

Today I saw the face of Death. It wasn't scary. It was so normal and rational. Absolutely logical. There were no doubts or anything unnatural. The body chocked, the body shut down. The obstacle is removed, the body restart. And the sparkle shone, maybe even flared. Too early to say. Or maybe too late. I know the decision had been made, for each one of us, but I can't stop myself from asking-what if? Or when?

To fight for someone's life, this is the most sincere thing you can do for someone. Then why i feel so bad. I won a little delay- that must make me happy. But the only thing it makes me is to ask the most irrelevant and unanswerable questions ever-Why and Until When? Because after that battle, so hard to win, I know that this war cannot be won. At least not this way. For no one, from no one. Then what's the point? What's the meaning of all this? Why I can't be just grateful for the blessing that was granted to me, to bring someone back from death.
Why my heart has sunk. I want to thank, I want to smile. But I can only fear and cry. That's not right.

The faces of Life and Death...they are so simple. But how to understand and rationalize with their absolute reality? What to think, how to feel? I don't know...
03.08.2007

P.S. After two weeks of the described event, I recovered from the shock. I was confused, because when my grandma came in consciousness, she cried, she groaned from pained. I still wonder if that was not her soul suffering from being brought back in that miserable body. But now I think that was the way it was meant to be. I hope her soul forgive me if I did her wrong, but her face, now again lit and happy tells me I did the right thing. The only person who should decide whether to live or to die is the person her/him self. All the others should always fight for the life. Death may not be so scary or final, but life should be cherished and preserved whenever possible and not against the personal will. That's what I think now.

The power of our mind

TOKYO, Japan (Reuters) -- A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.

The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.

He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.

The man and his leg were taken to hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said.
source:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/14/japan.biker.reut/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
My comment:
Now you tell me how can a man ride a motor without noticing his leg is no longer there. I mean, how did he manage to keep the balance and so on...It's amazing how our mind can not only give us the energy and the strength to do such things, but it supply us with the means to do it.
If our mind can compensate for missing limb and give us the feeling and the reality of it being still there, then it probably can do anything for us. We just have to know how to ask it for support. Yes, this event was probably due to the shock, but still, if we can do it while we're shocked and hurt, we should be able to do it anytime! Just think what we achieve with that power and the motivation to use it.

And i sincerely hope he manage to get his leg back, because loosing a limb is so sad. Our body is so functional and beautiful. Every part should be on its place...

Gratitude

Today I spent some time reading that lovely book "Mind over money" and doing its exercises.

It's funny how obvious things come up only when provoked. Like they await certain signal to be awaken. Like there is special time in our life, when they ought to appear and affect your mind and soul.

Something like this happened few moments ago.
I was reading and writing and it just happened.

What am I grateful for and what I tend to ignore...When you write it down, it looks so obvious.

If you look for things in your life that you don't like- there are plenty of them, all right! You make requirements to the people you love, get angry when they won't satisfy your whims, wish you had better people around you...You look at your work and see only problems eating your time and energy, eating yourself. Everywhere- there seem to be only little and big misfortunes ruining your life.

But the truth is so simple.

I made a cake today. I wanted to do it for weeks. Today I finally found the time. I had best intentions and so much bad luck. The dough got too much for my little cake-shape, it spilled on the oven, it burnt a little, it spilled on the plot under the oven...so much fun to clean. I felt like today is simply not my day. But I tried so hard to stay calm and in good humor while preparing it and in the end, it turned out to be a lovely cake. It's delicious and I'm so proud with it.
What's the moral? Sometimes, it's worthy to keep the self-regret and the complains and the curses away and to focus on what you do. The result will just wipe out all the negativity. And what's left is something very simple- you could allow yourself to feel bad and to ruin everything, or you can stay patient and do your best on the job- both require more or less the same decision on your side, but the one makes you happy, the other makes you mad.

The space between being grateful and being miserable is so fragile. Just one breath and you fall into the wrong category.But one more breath, and the world is safe again. So easy, it's almost spooky. The question is, why we don't do it!

Which only reminds me of the "chapter" before of the same book-the one about efforts.
when you do something you love, you're skillful, you work quick and with love. When you do something you don't like, you do it with mental pain called effort. You can do it again quickly and with skill, but you'll feel so overwhelmed and miserable and utterly unhappy. You'll feel bad. Like to show how angry you are on your life, for making you do something you don't feel like to. Like this is your punishment for being in situation you don't fancy. Like because you can't punish anyone else, you punush yourself and thus your life.

Like the life cares if you feel good or you feel bad.

Truth is we chose how to feel and how to act. If one perceives this in its dept, one might get scared. I read on one forum:
"Universe is dark and lonely place, where no one cares about us. No one care if we're happy or we're sad. We just exist for our selves".
Should that make us desperate and lost, or should that grant us the greatest freedom ever to be given. That's up to us.

Because if you think about it, if no one cares, but you, then it is you who will chose how to feel. And if it is you who chooses, then you're practically unlimited in your happiness. Or your sadness...What a wonderful world to live! What a wonderful place to enjoy!

Back on the gratitude.

I'm grateful I have this opportunity to write, because writing makes me utterly happy. It makes me feel understood even if no one reads what I wrote. Because it is me who read it, and it is me who enjoys it. I hope you can feel some of that joy too.
And thinking about it, could I stop finding reasons for being grateful to my life? I lived trough so MUCH, both good and bad, but i'm here and thinking about it make me so proud. It makes me ME. And that's enough. I love myself, and I hope you do love yourself too, because if you don't, there's simply no point. We're here to learn to love and enjoy and forget about whining and complaining. Because there's no one to hear us. And no one is conspicuously similar to everyone.

One infinity comes to us and spread to the next. Who can say which infinity is brighter or better?
What we can do is just full ourselves with gratitude and spread the love, especially when we're in sucky situations, because this is the way of becoming better people. Physical act is just an extension of who we are. If we grow better and more intelligent, we'll act smarter and more responsible. And thus, the world will become the extension of our love and care.

Sometimes, I feel so grateful for everything. Sometimes, not so much. But the point is that feeling grateful makes us feel so utterly happy. It's so powerful. The very idea that you acknowledge what you have and appreciate it and trust the life to give you even more- this is so powerful. They should teach that in school and let us enjoy our life. It could change so many things.

I hope I made you remember even just for a second to remember what a precious life you have and how special you are. Enjoy!

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