Europe against GMO crops! Please, sign the Avaaz petition!
I already did. It's us who decide, not Monsanto!!!

My love

Out of the depression and into the light.
Hello!
My previous post was full of bitterness to the world, partly fair, partly not. The idea to sacrifice everything I believe in, just for the opportunity to be a scientist broke my heart. I felt so helpless in the face of the social acceptability. Like a doll that is doomed to watch the World behind her glass-eyes and never to be able to see it in true color. I was desperate, I couldn't even breath. It was really hard blow this one.

After many tears and fears, my sadomasochism finally gave way to some rationality and I tried to figure a way out.
I don't know yet how it will turn out to happen, but at least now I have a hope. And I made a commitment to fight for my right to live the way I want. Only time will show, of course, but it's better doing something than crying in the dark.

Although for some people this is ridiculous, I firmly believe people should have free time fitting their needs. Some worship their work, some (like me) adore their family and time for spiritual work. That's why spending like 10 hours outside home is not exactly encouraging thought for me. And even more, the social expectation that "it's normal to work on 8 hours" devastated me. Yes, if you need the money or don't have anything better to do-all right. But to say, this is the only way to live- HELL NO! From here my pain and frustration. I feel better now.

Anyway. I got few insights this weekend that I plan to share here, gradually, mostly because I'm way to busy with my thesis. Just two weeks to come. The game is on!

Yesterday, after my meditation I remembered a song. A song that represent everything I stand for. A lovely song that changed my life from the moment I heard it. That's why, I'd like to share it with you, because it's worthy. For me, it represents the Love. The absolute, beautiful, gracious love that we all fight for, but rarely experience on time. Or in time. The one that we dream of and wait for, but never really admit in our life. So, I offer you this link, to remember it.
That love is achievable. I felt it for moments in my meditation, so everybody can feel it and enjoy it if he or she dedicate some time on reconnecting with her/his soul. I hope the music leads you into your Place of Silence.
I wish you love and peace.



P.S. I wrote a new section for my website To the Future with Love dedicated to the Miracle of Meditation. I'm going to add it these days when I'm free enough, so make sure you check for updates.
P.S.P.S. I just found there are two other versions of "A whole new world"- if one can combine the female's voice from the first, and the male's from the second, that would the be the best song ever!
Peter Andre and Katie Price Jordan - A Whole New World
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey- A Whole New World

Encounters with Reality

This month is absolutely incredible. You would think, it's the end of the summer, time for relaxation and fun, but you're wrong.
For me, it's a hell of a month.
Like every week, I get another challenge, another opportunity to get better or fail dramatically.
I kind of survived the first one, the encounter with Death, though not as a super-hero. But I survived and I might be even stronger by now.
But that was the easy part, as I fought against fear. Now I have to fight against Me. My own, personal, beloved ME.
It's funny how we succeed in such a horrible moments, when we deal with pure instincts and the ultimate fear- the Death. Ok, succeed is a big word for such an event. But at least, we survive without too much traumas.
But when it comes to battling our own sense of superiority- oh, boy. And girl. And even cheeseburger.
It simply is so hard to overcome ourselves. At least for me.
The first blow was on my feeling of propriety.
You use something for so long, you enjoy it, you take care of it, you connect with it. And then somebody else takes it without asking , without even telling. And suddenly everybody says that thing is not yours. You just used it while it was free. You haven't the right to be mad. You have no right to care. Yes, but NO! Because you don't feel like giving up. Even if you're wrong or not entirely right, you still won't give up. Because for certain period of time, the thing was yours and you liked it this way. And of course, no one ever told you it won't last forever.
In that moment, that particular thing (or any other that you care enough for) is more important than anyone else. Like all the people you love turned into enemies.
What are the options? You either chose the obviously not-really-spiritual path and fight till the end, or you chose your soul and forget about it.
What did I do? Nothing yet. I'm still locked in my fury, I'm too hurt to act the way I should. But eventually I will. I will give it up, because it causes me ridiculously much pain. But it's hard.
What's the moral? Things and even people cannot lead to ultimate happiness. The only one that can make you happy is yourself. So, learn to manage your stated. Right...

The next blow was even harder.
The sense of propriety is important. But the life you envision for yourself is even more important.
Our personality is all made up. Who we think we are is entirely based on our own ideas and some reflections from the others that we translate in our own madness . And when suddenly that idea is shattered, your dreams are made to dust with a righteous "that's the way it should be" smile, it gets ugly.
All the dreams, desires and plans goes DOWN. Because that is the way it should be. Our society is based on this. Our civilization is base on this- the imprisonment of minds. People simply cannot get too free. They always should obey some limitations. To fit the frame. And when someone doesn't feel like it- oh, well, you either get born in VERY rich family or your doomed to legal slavery.
It's not so much I don't wanna work. I probably work even more now. The point is, why, and I mean seriously why, one should stay "at the office" when he/she can do the work from home. The answer- to brake you. To fit you. To give you the face of a worker. And if you don't want exactly this face, you get laughed at, you get mocked, you get pitied. Why? Because you thought you can be better the way you are, but that won't please them. They won't be pleased to not see you work, even if you spend the half of the time chatting or just wasting it. That won't fit in.
What are the options? Don't know. What are the options when you have to sell your soul and not for the money, but for the chance to do what you want. What could you possibly do? Still don't know.
What I know is that the only thing we can really change is ourselves. And that's the problem. If you change yourself the way they want, you lose. If you don't change, you lose again.
I know I have to figure how to preserve my soul and yet stay strong and play the game we all play. But it's hard. It's so unbelievably hard. Everything I thought I am turned up wrong. Now what? To obey and be destroy myself or to not obey and be destroyed.

Yes, there is always another option. I know that. That's why I called all these "Challenges" and not "disasters". But the truth is the hardest thing to change is your Ego and I have quite a work to do to come out clean of all these.

Changing is easy, but deciding you should change is the nightmare. I'm in it right now. I know it will be all right. But I had to share my indignation. There must be another way our society to work. A better way. A way when you don't get just few awake hours for the ones you love and or yourself. A way where people happily work for 4 to 6 hours and then head back home and enjoy their family. Because I am a family girl. That's the most important thing for me. Should I just leave science and stay home? Is it the way it should be? Or there is a better way?

Still don't know.
All best,
Denitsa

The Death...almost!

Today I saw Death!
But not the beautiful or horrible one. I saw the one that is real and unloaded from all the prejudices and world of honor. Pure and simple Death. Pure and simple END.

I saw how for few minutes the soul could go for ever. Could leave and never look back.

The body relax, it freezes still and ugly, unlit with the sparkle of life. The man, the person is not there anymore- he/she is just a stack of flesh without its reason to exist. A meat left to rot.

The face of Death,it's so real. It's so simple. Life is so fragile. In the one moment, you're there- healthy or not, but you are there, you exist, you laugh, you breath, you talk and think and reason with the world. And in the next very moment, you're just an empty shell. An envelope that has nothing to wrap and cover.

Without stipulations, without hope. Without warning or prep-talk. Nothing. Just the empty reality of the moment. Simply the beginning and the end.

Today, I saw Life!
But not the life, who opens its eyes and cry out loud to announce its arrival. Today I saw the sparkle to disappear and then, as by force, to flicker again. No questions, no promises. Simple as everything in that Universe.

Today I fought for one life.

A life without a reason or without a cause. A life that have no future, but that is still here. A life that I love. What was suppose to happen? Was it how it was supposed to happen? I don't know. I did what I had to.

Today I fought for one life.

I felt what is to fight the invincible. The inevitable.
Even if you succeed for how long? How much time do we have and who decides when the clock should stop.
Can we beat that? Probably. But can we do it for someone else? Unlikely.

There's nothing romantic in saving someone's life. Nothing light, even nothing dark. Everything is so simple. You do what you can and if somewhere in the sky somebody smile on you, you succeed.
But the face of Death, it stays. It cannot be obliterated. It cannot be forgotten. It cannot be justified. It shall stay. It shall stay and it shall make you remember. Always to remember how easily you can leave, how easily life come and go. To remember that our body is just a vessel that our soul will leave without remorse in the moment it cannot provide for her.

In such moments everything you do, every thought, every prayer are beyond life. They are beyond everything, they are the instinct for survival. One of those programs our brain runs always with high priority and keeps you on them until it's necessary, or until it's safe.

Everything is so...so damn real. There's no time to rest, not even a second. Not a second for sweet escape in the world of fantasy. Because on this World, only the Beginning and the End are Real. Only they send you directly on Earth. Down, in the dust and mud and blood. Down. No questions, no whining, no groan. No will, no passion. Just the uneven battle of man agaisnt Destiny.

Today I saw the face of Death. It wasn't scary. It was so normal and rational. Absolutely logical. There were no doubts or anything unnatural. The body chocked, the body shut down. The obstacle is removed, the body restart. And the sparkle shone, maybe even flared. Too early to say. Or maybe too late. I know the decision had been made, for each one of us, but I can't stop myself from asking-what if? Or when?

To fight for someone's life, this is the most sincere thing you can do for someone. Then why i feel so bad. I won a little delay- that must make me happy. But the only thing it makes me is to ask the most irrelevant and unanswerable questions ever-Why and Until When? Because after that battle, so hard to win, I know that this war cannot be won. At least not this way. For no one, from no one. Then what's the point? What's the meaning of all this? Why I can't be just grateful for the blessing that was granted to me, to bring someone back from death.
Why my heart has sunk. I want to thank, I want to smile. But I can only fear and cry. That's not right.

The faces of Life and Death...they are so simple. But how to understand and rationalize with their absolute reality? What to think, how to feel? I don't know...
03.08.2007

P.S. After two weeks of the described event, I recovered from the shock. I was confused, because when my grandma came in consciousness, she cried, she groaned from pained. I still wonder if that was not her soul suffering from being brought back in that miserable body. But now I think that was the way it was meant to be. I hope her soul forgive me if I did her wrong, but her face, now again lit and happy tells me I did the right thing. The only person who should decide whether to live or to die is the person her/him self. All the others should always fight for the life. Death may not be so scary or final, but life should be cherished and preserved whenever possible and not against the personal will. That's what I think now.

The power of our mind

TOKYO, Japan (Reuters) -- A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.

The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.

He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.

The man and his leg were taken to hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said.
source:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/14/japan.biker.reut/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
My comment:
Now you tell me how can a man ride a motor without noticing his leg is no longer there. I mean, how did he manage to keep the balance and so on...It's amazing how our mind can not only give us the energy and the strength to do such things, but it supply us with the means to do it.
If our mind can compensate for missing limb and give us the feeling and the reality of it being still there, then it probably can do anything for us. We just have to know how to ask it for support. Yes, this event was probably due to the shock, but still, if we can do it while we're shocked and hurt, we should be able to do it anytime! Just think what we achieve with that power and the motivation to use it.

And i sincerely hope he manage to get his leg back, because loosing a limb is so sad. Our body is so functional and beautiful. Every part should be on its place...

Gratitude

Today I spent some time reading that lovely book "Mind over money" and doing its exercises.

It's funny how obvious things come up only when provoked. Like they await certain signal to be awaken. Like there is special time in our life, when they ought to appear and affect your mind and soul.

Something like this happened few moments ago.
I was reading and writing and it just happened.

What am I grateful for and what I tend to ignore...When you write it down, it looks so obvious.

If you look for things in your life that you don't like- there are plenty of them, all right! You make requirements to the people you love, get angry when they won't satisfy your whims, wish you had better people around you...You look at your work and see only problems eating your time and energy, eating yourself. Everywhere- there seem to be only little and big misfortunes ruining your life.

But the truth is so simple.

I made a cake today. I wanted to do it for weeks. Today I finally found the time. I had best intentions and so much bad luck. The dough got too much for my little cake-shape, it spilled on the oven, it burnt a little, it spilled on the plot under the oven...so much fun to clean. I felt like today is simply not my day. But I tried so hard to stay calm and in good humor while preparing it and in the end, it turned out to be a lovely cake. It's delicious and I'm so proud with it.
What's the moral? Sometimes, it's worthy to keep the self-regret and the complains and the curses away and to focus on what you do. The result will just wipe out all the negativity. And what's left is something very simple- you could allow yourself to feel bad and to ruin everything, or you can stay patient and do your best on the job- both require more or less the same decision on your side, but the one makes you happy, the other makes you mad.

The space between being grateful and being miserable is so fragile. Just one breath and you fall into the wrong category.But one more breath, and the world is safe again. So easy, it's almost spooky. The question is, why we don't do it!

Which only reminds me of the "chapter" before of the same book-the one about efforts.
when you do something you love, you're skillful, you work quick and with love. When you do something you don't like, you do it with mental pain called effort. You can do it again quickly and with skill, but you'll feel so overwhelmed and miserable and utterly unhappy. You'll feel bad. Like to show how angry you are on your life, for making you do something you don't feel like to. Like this is your punishment for being in situation you don't fancy. Like because you can't punish anyone else, you punush yourself and thus your life.

Like the life cares if you feel good or you feel bad.

Truth is we chose how to feel and how to act. If one perceives this in its dept, one might get scared. I read on one forum:
"Universe is dark and lonely place, where no one cares about us. No one care if we're happy or we're sad. We just exist for our selves".
Should that make us desperate and lost, or should that grant us the greatest freedom ever to be given. That's up to us.

Because if you think about it, if no one cares, but you, then it is you who will chose how to feel. And if it is you who chooses, then you're practically unlimited in your happiness. Or your sadness...What a wonderful world to live! What a wonderful place to enjoy!

Back on the gratitude.

I'm grateful I have this opportunity to write, because writing makes me utterly happy. It makes me feel understood even if no one reads what I wrote. Because it is me who read it, and it is me who enjoys it. I hope you can feel some of that joy too.
And thinking about it, could I stop finding reasons for being grateful to my life? I lived trough so MUCH, both good and bad, but i'm here and thinking about it make me so proud. It makes me ME. And that's enough. I love myself, and I hope you do love yourself too, because if you don't, there's simply no point. We're here to learn to love and enjoy and forget about whining and complaining. Because there's no one to hear us. And no one is conspicuously similar to everyone.

One infinity comes to us and spread to the next. Who can say which infinity is brighter or better?
What we can do is just full ourselves with gratitude and spread the love, especially when we're in sucky situations, because this is the way of becoming better people. Physical act is just an extension of who we are. If we grow better and more intelligent, we'll act smarter and more responsible. And thus, the world will become the extension of our love and care.

Sometimes, I feel so grateful for everything. Sometimes, not so much. But the point is that feeling grateful makes us feel so utterly happy. It's so powerful. The very idea that you acknowledge what you have and appreciate it and trust the life to give you even more- this is so powerful. They should teach that in school and let us enjoy our life. It could change so many things.

I hope I made you remember even just for a second to remember what a precious life you have and how special you are. Enjoy!

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