Europe against GMO crops! Please, sign the Avaaz petition!
I already did. It's us who decide, not Monsanto!!!

Yesterday, before falling asleep I remembered a friend I had once upon the time.

We were 12-13-14, and we saw each other in the weekends couple of times in the month. Few months. I went to check if he's there at his grand-parents house. I'd wait for him to appear from that narrow path of theirs among the forest. I'll say hi.
Then we'll just go somewhere and sit and be quite for a while. And then we'll talk. Like a waterfall everything will move from my head to his and vice versa. It was all so natural. Talking and talking for hours. Sharing everything, holding nothing...

I can't say if he was my best friend for that time. Maybe he was my only friend back then. I never thought of this. We just did what we did and we never discussed our relationship. It was no relationship, just pure communication. The joy to be with someone who holds no back thoughts, who accept you for what you are. The pure happiness of exploring your mind and seeing how the other will react to it.

I don't see him anymore. For a while. For like 6-7 years. No question asked, no answers given. We stopped talking to each other the way we started-nobody remembers how or why it happened. And I must admit even back then we saw each other and talked only at that place. No phone calls. No seeing in our normal life in the city. Just in our vacations. Like that place put a spell on us and bound us to friendship. When the place was no more, there was us no more. Funny.

And I was thinking yesterday, how many more friend I'll have, that will be just for a while. That will come and go and leave only the memory of the fine time I had with them. Now that I'm traveling to conferences and stuff, I meet such great people. People that I might never see again. But people that made me happy and joyful for a while. So many storied that I'd never hear. So many smiles I'll never again see.

And one more thing - is it worthy trying to keep in touch with them? Can our friendship or whatever survive the space and time? The busy life we have. The distance. And should it ? Or it was just for a while. I don't know.

I miss so many people. I don't know if I'll ever see them again. I don't know even if what we had was real or just the magic of the place. But it was so nice being able to talk to them, to laugh to them and to enjoy their presence. So- to them!

To you my friends -present and forgotten. Even if we never see again, thank you for your time. I loved it.


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One little surprising but quite funny (in some senses of the world) article in New Scientist called:

Death special: How does it feel to die?

What's special about it that it describes in very scientific manner how it feels to die from different causes. I especially liked the description of decapitation since it involved some sinister historical parts.

Of course, most of those deaths are kind of accidental, if you wanna know what it is to die slowly and naturally- check the Tibetan "Book of Life and Death". But this is quite enlightening too.

Enjoy it!

P.S. I don't mean to sound mean or cool, I'm not. You remember my previous face to face with death and you can read how shocked I am. But after that, death seems much more natural event, so if we don't count the personality loss, I guess it has some fun point of view. Like the guy who died sucked by a firefighter plane while swimming in a lake. Wouldn't it be fun if he didn't drown or died in the fall, but burned? Ok, not fun, but kind of black-humorish. Ok, I guess not, but still. The article is good.

A dream

I dreamed of love, of sudden passion
Of full burst of joy in astral silence
I touched the skin and felt the glory
And kissed the mouth and found it wanting.

I dreamed of someone, his lips so soft
His eyes so sincere in his delight
And dream it was, a dream so pure
I loved and lived and then it finished.

The dreams so easily disguise
Our lust conquers us and lies
We hug and touch and feel falsely adored
Our senses lied, the love-just glimpse of joy.

Denitsa

Fear

Growing up is sometimes harder than expected, especially when you're not teen anymore.

The last two weeks were delusional outbreaks of sparks from the hell and chill from the heaven. Or the other way around. I still can't quite figure that out.
But now I'm almost 100% sure there is a moral in them, that everything happens for a reason.

I still delve the problem with living in a lie. Why we should all prefer the easy lie than the not-so-pleasant, but way-more-constructive truth? Is it so hard to accept the idea we're not perfect (nor the other guy) and we have to change from time to time what's not working. Obviously it is. And obviously that throws me in sincere desperation. But my desperation is nothing but twisted (and annoying) self-love - nothing to be to careful about.

But what inspired me (or maybe "motivated me" is the better wording) for this session is the fear.
In our life we meet lots of fears. Some bigger, some lesser. And some absolutely over-whelming. I have one such fear- flying makes me loose my mind completely. So for totally not depending on me reasons I had to fly 6 planes in two weeks. It was a nightmare, all right. Not so much because the flights were bad (though some of them weren't so good for my disturbed mind), but because you can't reason with fear. You can't discuss the fear. You can only deny it or accept it. Tried both of them-NOT WORKING!

Now, don't you dare telling me it's safe or whatever other shit-i'm not buying it. I know just how safe it is. My problem is not the safety, it's the absolute deadlyness of that 1% statistic crashes. You can't do anything to prevent it or evade it or change it, appart from not getting on the stupid plane. But, of course, that's not an option, because obviously planes always lead to the best places on the Earth. And the greatest companies. And the most abundant alchohol.

So, totally helpless I fly into the sunset. But helplessness is not floating my boat. It just scares the shit out of me.

Ok, not to dramatize it too much, after all I'm alive and safe and I'd still climb on a plane if I have to. My point is how useless the fear is. You fly on the plane, you don't fly the plane. You can as well just hang on the ceiling, if the ridiculous security measures didn't forbid that and still you'll be out of options. The only thing you can do is just sit and relax. But it's not working. How come a stupid fear is stronger than you. How come it's stronger than me???

If you look for any coherence or final destination of this point, you won't find it. I'm way too confused. And I don't like being scared. But I am. Scared and confused. At least when I think about
airplanes.

On the brighter side...I had lovely two weeks. Later I'll upload some of the prettiest pictures I made. Or the funniest if you like. It was a great holiday and I don't sorry even the slightest about my hard time in the air. After all everything is good when it finishes well, and this time it did. I'm totally in love with Italy and South Spain.
It's amazing how the nice Mediterranian sea afects people nearby it.
And the warm sea is AWESOME!

Off for now, I need some sleep. Again, this is not another depressive post. I was trully happy these two weeks, even if I had one or two bad days. But now I know it was for a reason and I rely on that. Sooner or later everything will fit right and the life will be full of joy again. Until then,
all best
Denitsa

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