Europe against GMO crops! Please, sign the Avaaz petition!
I already did. It's us who decide, not Monsanto!!!

Murder or euthanasia?

Ok, I keep on hearing about Michael Jackson's case and I get more and more mad. They wanted homicide and they kept on searching until they found one. Am I doubting the work of the police? Not at all. They are doing their job. The question is that this case is obvious from day 1. But nobody had the balls to come up and say the truth. And the truth is that this looks very much like an euthanasia.
Note how nobody says it's a murder. At least in the news I listened, they were very careful to emphasize that manslaughter doesn't always mean intentional murder. It just means that there's another person involved in the death. Well, I wonder since when police is so careful with the terminology.
I'm not in a condition to write a lot, since the beloved pharmacy companies are taking their toll out of me right now, but like a chronic insomniac, I must give you my point of view. Insomnia is a disaster. Nobody believes how bad it is until it happens to him/her. Yeah, everybody had their hard days, their white nights, their exams and whatever. But the real pain isn't the first couple of days, even the first week. The real pain comes afterward. When your body adapts to the lack of sleep, when you spend your nights trying desperately to get some sleep, but you cannot. When your eyes hurt, your brain is blurry and you feel like shit in the morning and you go to sleep at night with the fear that this night, you again won't sleep. You think this is fun? You think you should read a book? What's the point, when in the morning you'll feel just as bad as on the one before and as on the one after. This is the real horror. You don't understand how precious sleep and dreaming is, until you get deprived of it for a week or two. For a month. Then you start forgetting how it was. You're functioning, you usually get an hour or two in the night, if you're lucky, or you get in some state near sleep, because otherwise you'll brain wouldn't make it. You do your job, you smile. But nothing is the same. The colors drain. The joy isn't there. The life starts looking like a dream. And every morning is worst than the evening!
I don't even remember how I got out of my first year of insomnia. I remember how I got out the second time. Then I discovered sleeping pills.
Anyway trust me, insomnia isn't romantic. It's horrible. If MJ couldn't fall asleep even with THAT strong sedatives, then I cannot even imagine how he felt. I'm sure everyone can figure that if the strongest sedatives used in surgeries cannot get you to sleep, the situation is very bad and it's unlikely that it will ever get better. And that's a very hard thought to have in your mind...
Finally, I'm not sure if this is an euthanasia or a doctor's error, it could be both. But I know that a person with that heavy insomnia cannot be called a living person. I'm sure there are people who can argue with me-ok. I'm speaking from my personal experience. I fought very hard with insomnia and I know it. I never won this war, just couple of the battles. And if MJ had the same problems on absurdly bigger scale, I think people should start asking other types of question.

Like why did he had this problems on the first place, how he treated them and ultimately, how much guilt has the doctor. Because if the problem was so severe, I think this isn't even an error-the doctor simply didn't know what he was doing at all.

And in any case, I think that the death of Michael Jackson should give us a lesson, just like his glorious life did. It's about time that people realise that insomnia is a real problem. It's not something that you go to a shrink to talk about. It's bigger than psychology. It's not something you can/or should/ always fix with pills. It's bigger than biology and chemistry. This is about humanity, about what makes us humans and about the role of healthy sleep in that definition. And about the beauty of sleeping. About all the benefits you get when you can remember and fully enjoy your dreams. And everything beyond. Sleep is essential for us, we have to understand it, we have to know how to protect it.

When good times turn bad

As some of you probably know, I was outside Bulgaria for couple of weeks. The original idea was to spend 10 days in Russia, to make a presentation and to have a good time. Well, it didn't happen the way I planned it. In the end, I spend 3 weeks there, unfortunately only 4 days of them following the original plan. The rest-well I was in not one, but 2 hospitals. Not a very pleasant way to spend the summer.
What happened? Well, the beginning was great-the summer school was perfectly organized, I made my presentation, met some great people and more or less, I had a lovely time. The beach parties were great, everything was just the way it should have been. Even my presentation wasn't a disaster for a change, there were questions, which is a good sign I guess.

Then, on the day after the presentation (which took a lot of my energy I must admit, because I was so eager to make a great impression and not to sound like an idiot with good pictures), on the beach, we decided to ride an inflated boat pulled by a motor boat over the river. It looked fun and they claimed it's safe. Well, it wasn't safe. Though, it was fun! But anyway, for unknown for me reasons, I felt a great pain in my head and I fell in the water. I wasn't shot, ok! I probably hit the head of my companion or at least he said I did. I'm not sure of anything but of the scale of the pain. Absolutely unbelievable pain. I guess it's similar to the pain when they shoot you, but my skin was totally intact-no wounds, no holes (though this could be a new type of gun I guess...just kidding). When I discovered I can move, I got on the surface and I was bleeding like crazy from my nose and more delicately from my ear. The follow up isn't so interesting. The night after the crash I had another round of super intense pain (this is a soft way of telling I was trying to give birth trough my ear). I spent 4 days in the local hospital, then they discovered I have a bleeding in the liquor around the brain and a fracture of the skull and I was transferred in another hospital in Moscow (I must admit I really badly wanted to visit Moscow, so I guess I got what I wanted) and I had a brain surgery. As I said-not very fun. Well, the only fun thing was my surgeon who is absolutely stunning, but that's another story (or lack of story). The point is I spent another like 9 days in the hospital licking my wounds. Then I got out, my mom and aunt came to rescue me from my misery and we spent then next 5 days in Moscow. 2 of them I was mostly being fed and cared of and the next 3, we went sight-seeing which was so absolutely great. Well, the greatest part was that I managed not to collapse in the long hours of walking but it was worthy. Moscow is amazing, it's a place I definitely want to spend more time in, just not in hospitals and I loved those 3 days.
And then I got home and the doctors told me not to go near a computer in the next 2 months-something completely impossible. Though I restrain myself to 1-2 hours a day separated by sleep. It's very boring, but I guess this is what the rest should be.
So this is my report of what happened in short. For those of you who know me in Facebook, I think I'll upload photos tomorrow, if the weather in my head is good.

The moral is-don't worry, be happy, because for everyone, there is a boat waiting somewhere in his/her lifeline. I'm so jealous of the people who spend their lives healthy and moderately happy. Ok, I obviously don't want to be moderately happy or moderately alive, I want the full program and I guess this means I should be ready for some pain. But the pain I got in just 5 days was so much, it simply doesn't fit the pain-joy balance. That's kind of not fair.

Anyway, if I'm ok, I'll try to post stuff at least once in a week-I'm pretty quick writer, so 1 hour should be enough, but if I don't, just enjoy the summer, because it tends to finish much quicker than it starts. See ya.

P.S. Yeah, you might expect some more lyrical posts, because right now politics is not so high in my priority list and I'm supposed to keep hardcore emotions out of the way, but then who knows.

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